I am 34 years old and can honestly say that I have been medically considered morbidly obese for 17 of those 34 years. Now, I did not feel morbidly obese during all of those 17 years. In fact, I look back on my pictures from age 16, 17, 18 and I look pretty darn good. But the numbers don't lie.
What was the final straw for me? There was not just one thing but more a culmination. I was acutely aware that I was (& had been for a long time) the largest person in most rooms. I hated that. I put on a smile but inside I felt like all eyes were on me, and not with good reason. I felt frumpy. Not attractive and certainly not appealing. Even though I am beyond happily married, what girl doesn’t want to at least feel attractive??
Let me insert a side note here – I have a loving, supportive husband who loves me without a doubt. I was heavy when we met, fell in love, married, and beyond and I know that he would love me without a doubt if I never lost an ounce. There is so much comfort in that. Once I knew he was on board this surgery became for ME.
I digress. So another factor in making my decision was an incident at my job that I just couldn’t get out of my head. I work with special accounts assisting families when a loved one passes away. This means I talk to lots of grieving families and see many death certificates. A few months ago I was presented a death cert with the cause of death listed as Morbid Obesity. After talking with the family it turns out that the deceased was a young lady (my age) and recently had a minor sprained ankle and while resting she had an embolism and died. A direct result of being morbidly obese. Two things occurred to me – I was considered morbid obese and I am also extremely clumsy. That could have been me. That could have been my husband having to explain to my kids that yes, mommy had a sprained ankle but she actually died from being too big. WOW. Defining moment for me. I cried for her, for him and for their kids. And I vowed to really think about my life and what I was going to do to change it.
Because I have never had any real success with diets, weight loss programs or exercise routines, I found myself plagued with the following:
High Blood Pressure - I took meds every day
Obstructive Sleep Apnea - supposed to wear a mask, but didn't because I absolutely loathe it to my core and used my baby as an excuse not to wear the mask so that I may hear him in the night if he wakes.
PCOS with insulin resistance - I may have had this before I became obese, hard to tell. Research shows that many women, regardless of size are affected by PCOS. I have had several docs say that it is nearly impossible to lose the amount of weight I need to on my own (meaning without surgery) because of the PCOS and the way my body responds to sugar, carbs, and food in general. It stores more into fat than most people. Because of PCOS, I am infertile. I am barren. I have skin tags, facial hair, and acne. Sounds beautiful, right? I only have a menstrual cycle every few months, maybe. Sporadic at best. I was diagnosed with PCOS 11 years ago at my first fertility specialist appointment.
My hands and feet retained fluid. Lots and lots of fluid. One doctor thinks it's because of the medicine I was taking for the PCOS, so he took me off of the meds and put me on a water pill to reduce the swelling. I thoroughly enjoyed taking the water pill and stopping what I am doing at work every 15 minutes to rush to the bathroom. Not.
All of that, not to mention that I was often exhausted (because I don't rest well due to the apnea), out of breath, out of energy, and battle depression due to all of this. I kept it internalized pretty well, and most people didn't know that my size even bothered me. Fat people are usually funny people right? My sense of humor has bode me well over the years.
So what made me this way?
It's a combination of things really. I loved food, I loved to eat new foods, loved eating out, eating socially with family and friends, trying new recipes, new restaurants, and having friends over for dinner. I ate when I was happy, sad, bored, pretty much any time the mood struck me.
I ate to celebrate with family and friends when any of us had accomplishments, birthdays, holidays.
I ate when something bad happens. I gained 30 pounds the year after I lost my father. It started the day he died. I sat in the dining room of my parents house and it was filled with nothing but sweets. My weakness. I sat at the large table that was covered with chocolate (mom's fave) and tried something from every plate. I never even tasted it. I just crammed it in. Because it was there and I needed to fill a void. It didn't work. It just made me feel sick. And guilty for overeating. I didn't throw up though, that's never been my thing. I have never been anorexic or bulimic. I liked food too much and I hate to vomit, so neither of those would ever suit me.
So what have I done about it???
In high school I went on a strict diet of white rice, bananas, and apple fig newtons. What kind of diet is that??? I have no idea, but I did shed some pounds. Not for long though.
I have been on phen phen and phentermine about 5 times. Lost about 30 pounds each time, but caused my heart to race so I had to stop taking it. As soon as I stopped taking it my appetite returned and so did the weight.
I have joined weight watchers three times. I do believe their plans work. Mostly. I attended the meetings, bought their books and food, counted points, and kept a food diary. I quit that too when the results were not fast enough. I never lost more than 15lbs any time.
I nearly killed myself at the gym. I joined the gym 2x in my life. There was a time when I went to the gym 2 times a day, and hit every class they offered. I felt good about myself and saw some major results in clothing sizes even though the scale did not feel the loss. I burned myself out and allowed my desire to spend more time with my new boyfriend (now husband) get in the way with continuing the progress. I really kick myself for that.
I have counted calories, carbs, fat grams, glycemic index count, kept a food diary, weighed food, done salt free, carb free, low fat, fat free, sugar free, nothing processed, nothing white. pretty much anything you can think of .
Why surgery?
I was at a point in my life well it really felt like "do or die" time. I want to live to see my children grow up, I want to see my grandchildren. I want to be healthy enough to enjoy my children and grandchildren. I want to ride horses, roller coasters, jump on trampolines, and anything else my kids ask me to do. I want to check the mail without breathing hard. I want to look really really good in a pair of jeans. I want to paint my own toe nails. There are so many things I want to do.
I was scared that if I didn't do something soon, I would not have the chance to do something. It would have been too late. And my husband and kids would be looking at cause of death - Morbid Obesity.
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